when we first met, there was nothing more forbidden than the imprint of your beautiful face when i closed my eyes before i went to sleep. there were what seemed like "millions" of other fish in the same bowl we were swimming in at that time. you stole my breath from me the first time you walked by and quick wittingly nudged a joke in my direction. too afraid of the rejection, i kept my distance and tried to not play with your fire. it was the onset of winter as trick-or-treaters painted the town black and orange. i was to leave my shift, but you put your hand on me and told me "no." with that electric pull in your eye, i knew the both of us were doomed to my web of disease.
two years later, we live together and i'm making way too much money. i shower you with gifts and give you anything i can within reasonable measure. we fight like cats and dogs. a part of me is still not ready to settle down as i look about the artificial palm trees & wade through the plastic landscape and inhabitants of our new "home." in a wave of stress, in a wave of unfulfilled love from my mother, in a wave full of self hatred, following the footsteps of an insecure dad - i cheat on you. i am bored and i want out, but i don't have the nerve to tell you. but i need you. you are the only family i have now, my only real friend in this world. what would i do without you? we stay together. we buy more furniture. we buy a little dog. he wreaks the house and our sanity with his demanding demeanor. we are irresponsible and can't care for him, so we give him away. the furniture starts to rot in the sun. the plants that decorated our house die. we yell and scream and fight. the neighbors call the cops on us more than once. we both carry the torch of blame, but decide to move into another apartment looking to start over.
the fights continue, but only now i'm poor. i've lost the job that paid me too much. you still stick by my side. but you've never forgotten. you will never forget. i hate you at the same time. all of the unnecessary conflicts with your dad, my mom, your step mom. sometimes i feel like stabbing my ears with pencils. we are all each other has. we explore the terrain around us. take beautiful pictures in beautiful landscapes. i hold you at night with a tear in my eye. you never see it drop on the pillow. we stick it out and keep going. we fight explosively. i spend money on material objects to wash away your angry presence. the recurring theme is that you are still upset about what i did. i am a broken dog by this point. there is next to no fight left in me. i have tantrums though. we are the loud, yelling neighbors once again. the fights escalate, you hit me, and i leave. for good.
without you, i crumble in northern california. i'm trying to rehabilitate without you at my mother's house in northern ca. i try to go out with my friends and drink to have fun. it ends in one night crying all night long with my comrade chris, disclosing my newfound thoughts of suicide. the other night i drive home from campbell at 3:00am to a park in pleasanton. i gauze at the stars, missing you. wondering where you are. and i cry uncontrollably.
you show up at my mom's home in shambles. you tell me that you have a place lined up in san francisco. i go with you. the future looks so much brighter. our last new start. sexuality has lost its meaning. there is too much hurt and mistrust. it's the companionship that bonds us more than anything. what would we do without eachother? i model in the city, you work at your job. we live within our means. things look like they are working out for the better. i feel a little more whole as i'm able to be reunited w/ chris and carl. she seems to adapt everywhere she goes. but the fights start again, and in this time they are not about the past. they are about anything she sees as a threat. being a model, working in a fishbowl with a lot of beautiful fishes, she has some reason to worry. but not at the way she is doing. she turns obcessive. we are the yelling couple again; only worse because the walls are much thinner than they were in plastic ville. gone are the high ceilings, in are the old spanish tile floors for our kitchen and leaking rooftops when it rains. our trip to paradise is scarred for an entire day of her jealous rants. at this point, he's beyond his sexual urges. there is little to none - as he's on meds and is simply trying to mentally and financially prepare for the baby she is nursing in her womb.
the baby is born to an audience of two: her mom and dad. their combined love is immeasurable. he is still coping with the pressures of being in this intoxicating relationship. he is not ready to be a dad. he is still working in a fish bowl. they don't even have a car. he goes out with his friends and tries to throw it all away, mixing depakote, xanax, a binge alcohol session topped with crystal method and marijuana. he self checks into the hospital, believing the end is near. this is the beginning of the manifestation. the disease has now taken control. he is nearly losing control but has some help from his family. that same hand they offered to help is used to backhand him in the face for choosing to stay with this woman. j & c are all alone in the world. c's dad has cut her off as well. just j, c, and scar. this eats at their well being on a daily basis. mom and dad from both sides are less than 30 miles away, yet they see them both under a handful of times within the year they had moved to sf. the whole point of moving to sf was to start a family and to be closer to family. they are the rejected children. the mom and dad they have are part of the me-first generation. they got what they did when they did, and they have no indication of wanting to share. even though both of them got their helping hand in raising j and c... it is at this point j & c realize they are all alone in the us with jobs that pay under 40k and a baby to feed, clothe, and love.
san diego seemed like the perfect haven. far enough from everyone. nothing but real palm trees. more real people. family oriented. the intention was to stop causing so much chaos in san francisco and just move somewhere to where they could raise their daughter in a healthy environment where cost of living was cheaper. at this point, jason is a walking zombie. he works 9 hour days at the fish bowl that are supplemented with 5 hour round trips to los angeles auditioning for model jobs. cat hates her job. they fight every night they are together. they yell, they scream, the baby is now in the middle yelling and screaming between fights. they are the loud couple again in this complex.
the end of the rope is now here. they couldn't afford to live in san diego. i miscalculation in transportation on their cash flow would later reveal a negative 1,000 monthly dip. jason's savings are being depleted by the day, as he tries to do the best he can. they are scared but know what must be done. it is now time to separate.
but they can't. who else would they ever have in this world but each other? he was a day dreamer, a flyer, a cloud in the sky. she was an intense hawk. a survivor. a huntress. they formed as one continuous clash that never found its peace, except in eachother's arms.
he remembers scratching underneath his right eye hoping to make a scar to show a battlewound much like the same of his favorite video game character, sagat. funny that in his later life, he took up the same fighting style of muay thai kickboxing much like sagat. although he never needed an eye patch, he had his own self inflicted scar across his chest just as his "hero." today it reads:
catharina
No comments:
Post a Comment